Saturday, January 14, 2006

Beer Troubleshooting Chart

I get to finally have a few minutes at home, on this cold, windy, gray day. I really have nothing personally amusing to write about, unless you want to hear me bitch and moan about work and more work, so thought that I would post this most helpful chart that I snitched from a message board that I frequent.


Feet cold and wet: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet: Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless: Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights: You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts: You have fallen forward. See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving: You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark: Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles: You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear: It's water! Somebody is trying to poison you. Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear: You have been in a fight: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in: You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted: The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song: Beer is just right. Play air guitar!

Now wouldn't this have been helpful for that New Year's party that you enjoyed? Happy 2006, and I hope it has been good to you so far.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Happy Holidays

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas, enjoy your family and friends, and I hope you all get some great stuff! Nuttin like getting stuff, unless it is giving stuff. Oh heck, the gifts are not what Christmas is about at all, but still, it is nice to score some loot. May the day and weeks to follow bring you many blessings and happiness.

MERRY CHRISTMAS & Happy Birthday, Jesus, I wish we could make you proud and get better at this living together peacefully thing. Thanks for not giving up on us.

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Chanukah - blessings to you, and keep those candles burning!

Happy Kwanzaa, enjoy your special day.

Happy Eid-Al-Adha, may you have a joyous day.

Oh, just everyone enjoy a great holiday season, and remember peace on earth, goodwill toward man, and woman, and animals, and Mother Earth.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! *POP* *POP* *POP*

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Back Just to Say Goodbye

It was my plan to visit blogs and get caught up with what is going on, but as quickly as I was here, I was gone.

Pup continues to do well, nephew made it home, and I am leaving for the wedding on Thursday. I plan to leave Nassau for a much quieter out island after the big event, and take a few days to just recharge my batteries. With any luck, I will be able to have a few days after that to spend at home, and then I hope to visit you, before you forget who I am.

Wilma ended up smacking Florida plenty hard, I hope everyone and their friends and families escaped harm. It was a furious season, one we all hope will never be repeated.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and there really is so much to be thankful for, I count my blessings everyday. For those who are not yanks celebrating Turkey Day, you can share our day with us and be thankful as well. Please fell free to help yourself to all the green bean casserole you can hold, somebody out there must like it. Not me.

Stay safe.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Back Again

Sorry, I didn't mean to disappear again so suddenly, but I have been dealing with a pair of frantic parents, and I have to admit, I was fairly anxious myself.

My nephew was diving in Cozumel, and was to leave there this past Saturday. Of course that bitch Wilma (Fred should have divorced her), changed his plans, and he evacuated to the mainland with the thought he would be flying home early. He couldn't get a flight, and was shipped off to a shelter. He was able to use somebody's sat phone, and is being bussed to Merida, and then flown to Houston, either tomorrow or Tuesday. I understand from haunting message boards, that alot of folks will have to get home this way. We are just relieved that he is safe and will be home soon.

I curse our news media whose only focus is when will Wilma hit Florida, and almost ignore the situation in Mexico. Kudos to Fox, they at least put a little bit out there. I'm worried about folks in Florida as well, don't get me wrong, but that has been their only focus since last week. The same loops over and over and over.

Kevin, from his StormCarib site has additional pix of damage in Cancun. Made me sick looking at them.
http://stormcarib.com
My heart breaks for the folks of this area, it looks so damn devasting, and I cannot even imagine how long it will take to rebuild. Tourism is their only business, so this is really gonna hurt them.

I will be back to visiting your blogs hopefully by tomorrow. I had intended on visiting them all by this weekend, but you all know about the road to hell....

Stay safe.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Autumn is Here

and so am I, and it is damn cold out there. Is summer really gone?

I managed to squeeze a vacation to Bonaire, Netherland Antilles, in there somewhere, and then back to work duties for a few weeks. The damn airline lost my dive gear, so now the headache of replacing everything. I really liked my stuff.

My nephew is getting married in Nassau, Bahamas, over the Thanksgiving holidays, so I have been busy trying to find cheap travel deals for a few college friends of his. I got four of them there, 3 more to go. Why I got elected to be the planner for cheap vacations, I have no idea.

Pup is doing great, and is really enjoying the cooler weather.

Sisters Marilyn and Helen were traveling through Europe in their car. When they stopped at a traffic light in Transylvania, a tiny little Dracula jumped onto the hood and hissed through the windshield. Sister Marilyn screamed, "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switched on the wipers, which knocked Dracula about, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouted. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," said Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. Dracula screamed in agony as the water burned his skin, but still he clung to the wipers, all the while hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," said Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. Then she opened the window and shouted, "Get the f##k off our car!!!

Enjoy your day, and be careful out there.